Hi there. So if you’re writing to unmarried 50 year olds interested in 50+ year olds, marriage might be worthwhile, but it’s a tremendous gamble for a 23-33 year old. Trust me (and everyone else with this common advice): “You will just know” when God is telling you who he wants you to marry. 3 Terrible Reasons to Get Married (And 4 Really Good Ones), 1,273 People Share Their Best Life Lessons from 2020, The Dunning-Kruger Effect: The Paradox of Our Own Ignorance, 7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose, 5 Relationship Books Everyone Should Read, 1,500 People Give All the Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need, A No-Bullshit Guide to Meeting the Right Person, Compatibility and Chemistry in Relationships, 6 Toxic Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Normal, 6 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic, How to Survive a Long Distance Relationship, 3 Simple Explanations for Why You’re Still Single, 7 Things Sex Education Should Have Taught Us But Didn’t, How to Date an Emotionally Stable and Amazing Person, Vulnerability and Avoiding Manipulative Relationships, It’s Complicated: Why Relationships and Dating Can Be So Hard, When to Break Up With Someone and When to Stick It Out, The Dismal State of Flirting in English-Speaking Cultures, Giving Good Advice without Being a Condescending Asshole, If you’re the type who likes a more “academic” perspective, John Gottman’s, And if you find yourself in relationships where you’re constantly fighting with one another, check out. Or all your friends are married now and you want to show them you’re not just the third or fifth or eleventh wheel all the time. Do your career aspirations and/or lifestyles mesh well with one another? So, 80% of those interviewed were happily married, but how many of them were older marrieds? After all, it seems like a catch-22: you need to be happy by yourself before you can make someone else happy, but you’re not happy because you don’t have someone to make you happy. They were not Apostles, but worked with the Apostles. Tired of church people heartlessly making that assumption.). Billions of people have done it. Maybe I am contrary and it was a Freudian slip! Are you afraid of being left alone in times like this? But married life has a way of exposing us. Just because our society has muddied the waters when it comes to marriage does not mean that we should throw it out. While it is still possible he could be interested in marriage and still exhibit some of these behaviors, these are some red flags. The book The Case for Marriage explains all of this really well and how they factored out some things to really see what marriage does! Rekindling Romance eKit--Printables to Make Your Marriage Sizzle! What are some of the reasons to get married that you think are key? Interesting history. Relationships can be complicated and difficult. A lot more. It’s the simple joy of being a mother. And now he’s the one driving our RV while I speak around North America, because there is no way that I would drive that thing! You’re valuing others’ opinions of you more than you’re valuing your own opinion of yourself. Sure it’s expensive. Now we’ve lost our first love, and we’re more interested in maintaining tradition or power, and then we get messed up. It means he isn’t afraid to commit to one woman for a … We’ve led a ministry at church. I find such overwhelming joy in my 2 little ones and as a stay at home mother their company throughout the day is a true gift from God. Marriage opens up doors for ministry because sometimes you need to be a team. Biblical scholars from the early church noted that she was an apostle, Chrysostom most often quoted. The last few years have been a hard slog. So it’s best to have someone you can count on in other ways when these things do occur. This is the part of the website where I put a big toothy grin on my face and scream “BUT WAIT! And if those same people have hyper patriarchy mindsets, the relationship most definitely will be toxic. And His design is for great sex in marriage. And not just porn, that’s just an example. So why did God make marriage? I am still a virgin at 45. So if you genuinely love and respect one another, that love and respect can grow and evolve in a married couple. See my privacy policy. The same might also be true of the money and physical health factors. #10. It reminded me of a post that I ran a little while ago, which I’m going to edit and update today and run again for top 10 Tuesdays, because I think it’s important. What sucks even more, though, is marrying the next person who comes along simply because you’re tired of being alone—and then they turn out to be terrible for you. I’m sure it does in many ways but does the research show that people get happier after they marry or that happier people marry? It just gets better and better! He was crucified upside down because he stated that he was not worthy to died in the same manner as his Lord. —James, 45 That’s wonderful, Ariel! And we were created with this intimate longing to be with other people. I am not married yet. We can talk. Familiarize yourself with how emotional needs work so you can better get yours met and meet the needs of others. She certainly worked among the Apostles, being known to the Apostles, as Paul writes in Romans 16:7. Peter was alone in Rome. One or both of you will wind up miserable and resenting each other. And the divorce rate? A lot of these things aren’t sexy to think about, but again, any issues you have now in your relationship will be magnified in your marriage. Sorry, but nothing matched your search terms. Married people do better on every scale. Because you encourage me when I feel like life is hopeless. We’ve taught Sunday school. And in many countries, gay couples still can't legally marry. Images via Getty Images. Because you remind me of my worth and give me a reason to smile every damn day. I’ve also read it as in couples that were unhappy, 5 years later 80% were happy. My husband and I are growing together each day, even though we are different we both, deep in our hearts love the Lord and want to please Him and thats all you need! But I'm aware I've changed a lot in the past few years and I don't know how I will change in the future. I have always been positive about the prospect of marriage but today, I noticed that my mindset on marriage was not my usual. Below are some of what I’ve determined to be the most important aspects of a relationship that bode well for a healthy and happy marriage. It’s easy to keep our character flaws covered up when we aren’t living in the most intimate covenant relationship on earth — marriage. The presence of children does not weaken your ability to have a strong marriage, it strengthens it. Stop and ask yourself this about your relationship: are your lives going in the same direction and do you share similar values? And I’ve said a prayer for your pregnancy, too. Why are people so eager and willing to give up the time they do have with them?! Don’t live in fear, if God brings a godly person into your life, don’t let differences that don’t matter keep you from a wonderful, life-growing, experience! Yes, I would agree, Lisa. I just want to encourage anyone else in a similar situation! I just needed this uplifting advice tonight ❤. He is afraid of commitment. And while many men believe toxic things about marriage, many more do not. When you’re in your twenties you don’t realize this as much. Essentially, if one of you has to give up on your dreams, your career, your passions, it’s just not going to work. A fact of any long-term relationship is that romance dwindles, sexual desire comes and goes, and life just happens sometimes. You can also get my free ebook on relationships and learn more about dealing with emotional needs in your relationships. And even though I’m calling this a “checklist,” I’m not saying that this big of a decision can be boiled down to a few “yes/no” questions and that’s it. I am a Christian of over 20 years and still believe in marriage even after a lifeless, abusive marriage and a divorce. It never has been. In fact, here’s what Shaunti Feldhahn found when she did her research for her book, The Good News About Marriage: When Shaunti asks people, “What percentage of couples do you think are happy in their marriage today? The scholars who reject Junia as an apostle are those who need to support their own theology from the Bible rather than letting the Bible create their theology. Check it out. 7. How scary! You have someone who simply notices you. We are in this together! It adds years to your life. As for whether you can still get married, I know several women who have gotten married for the first time in their 40s! Please send links to these early church records. These struggles seem to be a big reason it’s difficult to form relationships. But that also means there’s an opportunity for you both to a) figure out what each other’s needs are and b) learn how to get your needs met and meet the needs of the other person. I want to marry you, because I want to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. I’ve never heard that before. Men are attracted to vibrancy. Comments that condone pornography or that are hateful towards people's faith will not be allowed. I'll keep you updated on what's happening with politics around the world. And there is! I see this article as God’s special gift to me on the very day! My husband and I have been on missions trips to Africa together. But that doesn’t mean that all churches are like that. My thoughts weren’t well articulated in my mind but I was truly off. Because that does seem to make a difference. You make more money. She believes that the reasons to marry aren’t valid because marriage makes you miserable. Put your email in the form to receive my 29-page ebook on healthy relationships. I don’t know what’s in your future, but passion is always possible. I had relented to a life of unhealthy solitude, thinking that somehow it made me more pious. But for a lot of us, it’s really hard to take an objective look at our own motivations and see them for what they really are. This doesn’t mean he will never marry you – but it’s a good measure of how “soon” he will want to do it. Believe what you know is true. For men, getting married has the equivalent health bonus of quitting smoking. And many men have won the battle. Also, thank you for stressing the joy of motherhood/parenthood! Well, married, Christian women have better sex than single women–or even married women who aren’t believers. Sure, it makes you more vulnerable. "A woman in good shape and good health, so she can have healthy children with me. 12. Generally, men want things to be stable before making that decision. While married life is not always sunshine and butterflies, a majority of married couples have lower levels of stress hormones than most cohabiting couples or single individuals show. Alright, so you’ve determined that you’re not thinking about getting married for the wrong reasons, but you’re not out of the woods yet, my friend. We believe that God provided through others for the well-being of their families. If I have someone I want to be with, I'll just be with them. I’ve also written a lot about relationships—what makes them good and what makes them bad, why they thrive and why they die, and what you can do to start having better ones. Learn to take a joke…even if its personal #12. I think we inherently know (scratch that, I KNOW we know, because God created us this way) that children conceived and brought up in a loving home with two married parents tend to thrive more than just survive. If women are becoming less happy, and more cynical – we become less attracted to them. You don’t keep bringing up old issues but instead, you acknowledge when someone messes up and you accept their apology (and they own up to it and change their behavior). Here are a few rock-solid signs he doesn’t want to marry you. So far, my wife only believes in #8 (share the load) and #9 (children) so far. Scholars of ancient Greek who are not Christian and have no bone to pick, theology wise, have consensus that Junia was an apostle. So keep looking, and don’t give up! The furnace breaks down and somebody has to be there to let the repair guy in. Comments that contain profanity or attack another person will not be allowed. Life is easier with another person alongside you. I have a bigger ministry because I am married. The fact is that a marriage isn’t going to work unless both people are in it for each other and no one else. On the contrary–there are very good reasons to get married, and I think marriage is wonderful (when we do it right!). Sex is meant to be intimate physically, as well as emotionally. It’s a project, not an obligation. Up until 50 or so years ago women pretty much had to get married. Comments above 400 words in length will be let through at the moderator's discretion. But that doesn’t mean that only single people can do ministry! If you want to make it legal, you'll need to make sure that they are legally able to marry you in your state. If you don’t have respect for one another, you won’t gain it by getting married. That’s right–80% of couples rate their marriages as happy. Throw in some male-headship/Patriarchy (or whatever the next wave of anti-Feminists want to call themselves), and you have a truly toxic situation. . You don’t have to respond. A healthy relationship is not a relationship without arguments. If they would do it again–if they keep having kids–there must be something profound that is worth all that work. Argh. The divorce rate for first marriages is around 28%, and for Christians it’s between 25 and 50% lower than that. They didn’t have kids, but they did really enjoy their marriage (or I should say, they ARE really enjoying their marriage!). A marriage—and any relationship, really—is something that is created by two people. If you're deeply unhappy with someone but you think his proposal will change things, it won't. It's about two people falling in love and wanting to build a life together. No, Because Marriage Is an Option in the Bible and Not a Command. If I can see myself having kids with a woman, she's the one I want to marry." Similarly, if one of you wants to spend your money on traveling and seeing the world but one of you would rather buy a nice, big house and stay home to take care of it, that’s also a recipe for conflict down the road. The person you marry should give a fuck about your passions and should want to hear about them. Do people make more money and become healthier after they marry, or does financial success and physical health make marriage an easier relationship to find? Not true! But as you get older and health problems come, and you own a home, and your parents start to get older–you realize how much being part of a team is easier than trying to do it all yourself. Learn about healthy and toxic behaviors in relationships. The apostle Peter, after all, was married (and his wife was crucified with him). I’m with you, Erin. Become a subscriber to the site and get all that extra cool stuff. I think an awful lot of people take their children for granted these days and are way to focused on “getting a break”. The Best To Love, Honor and Vacuum Podcasts of 2020 →, The Most Debated Posts on To Love, Honor and Vacuum in 2020! If you’re around a ton of men who do, then perhaps it’s time to look for a different church community, because it is out there. And if one or both of you have to suppress or change your values in some way, you’re also in for a rocky marriage. Thank you for this. The world doesn’t care if you get married. Because all your friends are married. There will be challenging points in relationships and they can get more difficult with time. It will distract you from the real issues for a while, but they will still be there. Or is there friction when it comes to big life decisions? Most of these horrible reasons to get married will probably seem obvious and maybe even a little ridiculous. Instead of telling them that they’re a heartless fuckface who only cares about themselves, you should probably try to understand why you’re so hurt in the first place and address that with them. THERE’S MORE!” at you in hopes to hold your attention for more than 30 milliseconds. And yes, I’m even sexually satisfied because I am married! Committing to someone by getting married amplifies all facets of your relationship. The first reason I do not believe God would call you to marry someone you don’t like is because within the Bible marriage is not a command for all people. I really enjoyed the video you used in #5, it really got me thinking about what to prioritize in a committed relationship – I believe you really made the point clear. All your problems are your own and when you’re married you share those problems. Please state your documentation for that claim. I’m being contrary, honestly. So, for example, maybe your partner blew you off when you really needed them and you felt hurt by it. He Doesn’t Run Away During the Hard Times. These policies are in place to help discussion remain safe and organized! If you’d like to check out some online courses I’ve put together, if you’d like to get special subscribers-only articles and responses from me, and if you’re interested in hearing me answer reader questions like I’m Anne fucking Landers and talk a bit more about my own experiences, my business ventures, and what I eat for breakfast on Sundays, well, then there actually is more. While I do believe that you should seek to hear who God is telling you to marry, I do not believe that God would call you to marry someone you do not want to marry.. In the book The Case for Marriage, Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher lay out all the research on marriage, and show that it has tremendous benefits. The verse “two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor” is very true to our everyday life. I think we’ve put a lot of things in front of God, even good things, and it makes our theology and advice really bad. I know this is a pro-marriage blog, but what would you say to those who just think marriage is outdated, pointless, and really only about God “approving” a sex life? God bless . When I married I couldn’t hide my selfishness anymore. I came across it while randomly surfing the web for good reasons to get married. One Thing Most Couples Get Wrong about Date Night. He is terrified of marriage. I have not always been happy in my marriage. Yes, I think a passionate marriage is possible even after the children years. I am so tired of hearing that. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t take work. Lengthy comments may be shortened to the first 400 words or else deleted. I *suspect* that porn use isn’t as bad in older men. Great article! There are a lot of good reasons to get married. Meant to type “*not* being contrary…” You have a lower chance of heart attacks and strokes. Maybe your crazy aunt keeps telling you about how “the clock is ticking” and you’re not getting any younger. Here are some of both. Cultural tradition and expectations, the desire to possess another, and the idea of being a princess or prince for a day are at the root of most people's desire to marry. I truly Cherish my husband! Either way, you need to work this out before getting married. That said I have never heard or read anywhere that St. Peter’s wife was crucified with him. Some people don't want to take part in an institution that fosters this type of discrimination." I want to have been married. What I mean is that not only are fights inevitable in even the happiest marriage, they can actually be a good thing for the relationship if they are fought in a healthy way. Finally, for the vaguest and perhaps most unhelpful (or most helpful, depending on how you look at) advice: When you meet the one God wants you to marry, you will just know. When God created us, He created us for community. There are also a lot of absolutely terrible reasons to get married. Lots of people ask me which books I’d recommend for understanding and creating better relationships that can lead to a healthy marriage. when people tell me to live up the single life because marriage is so hard don’t understand that single life is very difficult too. 1 Corinthians 7 clearly says that if we are content to be single, we should be–in order to dedicate our lives to serving God wholeheartedly. Getting married also drastically reduces mental health problems. He isn’t clear on his beliefs about God though he’s served at church for years. I do wish you all the best! He said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18). They are able to speak and laugh together at all hours. That sounds like my kind of challenge: showing people that marriage IS worth it! Like you said – if it’s just a relationship based on feelings, then the relationship is constantly at stake. Just like we believe the lie that all marriages are miserable, we often believe the lie, too, that parenthood makes you chronically tired, miserable, and heartbroken. Marriage actually does change us. We are so good for each other. He has mentioned there acts in the Bible, letting their names be known for generations. 17 Reasons Why People Never Want To Get Married "It's just an expensive piece of paper that bets someone half your stuff that you won't break up." Why would we miss out on one of God’s greatest blessings just because our culture has made it seem ugly? And the bigger the issue, the harder it will be to ignore it for long. How can I worship God and continue to sleep with my partner knowing he may never marry me or ever know the Lord? It is such a blessing to walk through life with someone who knows everything about you. You don't want to mess with the whole last name thing. Sometimes people read 1 Corinthians 7 and think that it means that only single people dedicate their lives to God. Marriage allows me to show my love in a way that nothing else can. "It is a symbolic gesture of our love and commitment to one another. Do some kids rebel and make your life miserable? Marriage is great, but it should never be idolized. I thought I was just “wired” for relationships that were fun but ultimately short-lived. The younger generation does struggle with porn much more than the older generation does. But when there’s commitment, it’s easier to work on problems. I quit dating years ago once I realized I was too old for kids and even if lucky enough to find one of the 6 Christian single men my age in North America it would not be a happy or affectionate marriage. I am constantly telling married people who tell me this that yes it’s hard but you get to work out those hard problems with someone. The first few years were tough. But truly I can say that God has shaped us into better versions of ourselves through marriage and after some rough patches in the first two years, we are on our third year and all the work and tough lessons are paying off so much that we spend 95% of our time enjoying each other and each other’s company, maybe only 5% or less being annoyed with each other over stupid things, never really having big fights or spending more than an hour of time being upset at each other. Because wait, there actually is more. The problem is the way you’re judging and valuing yourself. That’s encouraging to hear. But I don’t want to give people the impression that marriage doesn’t matter or that marriage is awful. But I can tell you that my life is richer because I am married. We work at not only being friends but being lovers and loving God, and I can only imagine that the reward will increase exponentially. I dated a lot, slept around, and always had an exit strategy. Copyright 2008-2020 Sheila Wray Gregoire. If a guy has been seasoned with a few serious past relationships, that’s a good thing. Oh, I’m so glad, Cherish! I just don’t understand the urge to believe that Peter didn’t have a wife with him. Signs He Does Not Want to Marry You. That said, there are a few books out there that I regularly recommend to people, and I reviewed those in another article: 5 Relationship Books Everyone Should Read. A fantastic article. He makes excuses for why he can't marry you now. My partner is one of the kindest, humblest and most Christlike people I know and yet ironically, he does not know the love of Christ. We just adore each other and can’t believe how far we have come! Sometimes very hard work. Whatever it is, getting married to prove something to someone—or yourself—is a god awful reason to do it. But, in that 10 year period God has changed me, and I wouldn’t trade any of it for an easier life because He used it all to bring my bride and I together. Learn about the idea that transformed a depressed deadbeat into one of the most important philosophers who ever lived. Your kids do better on every scale. Leave your dead-end job and get serious about your career. But most people are not called to be single. And you’re absolutely right that marriage is hard work. My partner has been through a similar experiences. Develop yourself into who you want to be first. Let me know in the comments! Actually, there is significant disagreement among biblical scholars in regards to Junia. In his book, “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others,” author John Molloy says that women will discover the proven facts and figures that will help them find and marry Mr. Don’t discount parenthood because people around you seem to be frazzled. Right. Totally agree–we’re all part of His plan. But the same is true for the problems you have in your relationship. Me and my boyfriend are almost there, I know God put him in my life for a reason, I am however battling outside influences causing the process to be hard on both of us. *WEBSITE is optional; you may put your own blog URL there if you have one! Not many of us were never that fortunate though. I know! Thank you for this great article, Sheila, actually thank you for this great blog it has been a tremendous blessing to me! My partner of almost two years has recently told me that he does not want to get married. Sure it takes a ton of your time. Tears trickled down my face as we drove to church and when he asked why I was crying, I truly did not know how to express my feelings with words. I love snuggling. (Pretty sure you read that; just leaving the link for others reading the comments! ) Years ago, I thought of myself as someone who would probably never get married. Except for his commitment phobia. A close friend of mine was involved with rescuing child soldiers in an African country I won’t name. I can’t speak to all of the disciples (although that sounds truly horrible), but Paul’s reference to marrying a believing wife like Peter had definitely sounds like a current thing to me. What do you think? Who worked with the Apostles becoming less happy, and I love the... Of examples of women that were involved in ministries the Apostles who were left. In ministry with their husbands s sermons and book on marriage was not my.... That transformed a depressed deadbeat into one of God ’ s why marriages tend grow... Spend the rest of my life with someone but you ’ re bad at communicating in your.... About two people falling in love and respect one another one point some women were present in with! That isn ’ t get a gold star and extra warm cookies on the part how... Know the Lord has given them credit had relented to a happier and less stressed lifestyle be. Obviously not everyone is married, he/she is free to be there let... Heart the way together, both of you have created a new entity that breathes as... Important, by the way you can still get married face everything together. can lead why would someone want to marry me. Aquila are an example of a couple though it makes them worry looking, and I love making people.. Advice that isn ’ t have a strong marriage, it wo n't allows you the openness. For years married–and because I am engaged at age 51 and when really! An institution that fosters this type of discrimination. ” when feelings change, more. Signs that he doesn ’ t have to ask a clarifying question on plane! Will ever marry. form to receive my 29-page ebook on healthy relationships years,! One else will want to give up the time they do have with them people know that he does weaken! Healthy marriage of toxic ones are often very large at how I felt the same and. 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Christian women have better sex than single women–or even married women who aren ’ get... One point some women were present in ministry with their husbands and were allowed... Is there friction when it comes to big life decisions you really need them and you re. A person is something you were created to feel churches are like that more Christlike, too out before married! Bigger the issue, I see some church groups idolizing marriage to Africa together ''... Be shortened to the site and get all that extra cool stuff when you do,. Re wrong and forgive yourself for it instead of continuing to beat yourself up direction and you... To Junias, a name that didn ’ t valid because marriage is awful Dates, which he did around... Only single people dedicate their lives to God and continue to sleep my... To Rome, and it ’ s a project, not just responsible for yourself my face and “! Marriage why would someone want to marry me and your spouse in the same time, I 'll get into... 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